Together, Alone

Last Sunday I took C to an indoor soccer clinic for ASD children.

Walking into the large room where the clinic was being held, something struck me: although the kids were generally having a good time, each was mostly in his or her own world. I was in a room full of C's, children entertaining themselves, but not each other.

I noticed the parents were, like me, working extra hard to keep their kids engaged in the group soccer activities; if we didn't, they'd wander off almost immediately. One boy was lining up cones, making perfectly symmetrical arrangements. Another couldn't be pried away from the large mats, obviously enjoying the sensory stimulation as he rolled back and forth.

C, for his part, would participate when I took him by the hand, but he rarely acknowledged the other children; after a while, he began running in a tight circle, his head tilted to the side. He was in sensory overload mode.

Though the room was filled with children, it seemed quieter than I'd expected. It wasn't something I've experienced when surrounded by neurotypical kids.

Being around kids like C was nice — it felt like he belonged there, like he wasn't out of place. Nothing he did would be judged. He could be himself.

On the other hand, it made me a little sad. It brought home, once again, the fact that ASD can seem a very isolating state of being, one that I hope we can help C to transcend.

Escape

I'm so glad to be playing racquetball again, if only one or two times a week. I walk through the glass doors, into the large empty court, and for sixty minutes I'll think only about the game: serve, return, volley, kill shot — the action so fast there isn't time to think of all the things that are constantly eating away at me.

We haven't had a vacation in years, money is tight, date nights a rarity, the car is breaking down (again), and the problems (and bills) are non-stop. Racquetball, therefore, feels like a bit of a luxury.

Nonetheless, I recently realized that if I didn't find an escape, a momentary respite, I was actually doing myself and my family a disservice. After all, how can I be a good friend, husband, and father if I constantly feel like an animal backed into a corner?

C-O-W

During tonight's bath, I put the foam letters "C-O-W" on the side of the tub and said, "Cow." A few minutes later, when I was scrubbing his back, C filtered through the whole alphabet floating atop the water, placed "C-O-W" on the side of the tub himself, and exclaimed happily, "Cow!"

He's a quick study.

The Whole of the Moon

At dusk tonight my wife pointed up and said, "What a beautiful moon!" It was just a sliver, but it was indeed beautiful. C, seeing it too, summed it up best with his expression.

Reflecting on this now, a few hours later, I'm reminded of the song The Whole of the Moon by the Waterboys. I can't say specifically why, other than the obvious connection to the moon. But perhaps it's because there is another story in the song, a story of one person who can't let go of reality, and someone else who sees only joy.

Guess who is me, and who is C?

The Whole of the Moon

I pictured a rainbow You held it in your hand I had flashes but You saw the plan I wandered out in the world for years While you just stayed in your room I saw the crescent You saw the whole of the moon The whole of the moon

You were there in the turnstiles With the wind at your heels You stretched for the stars And you know how it feels To reach too high (too high) Too far (too far) Too soon (too soon) You saw the whole of the moon

I was grounded While you filled the skies I was dumbfounded by truth You cut through lies I saw the rain dirty valley You saw "Brigadoon" I saw the crescent You saw the whole of the moon Yeah

I spoke about wings You just flew I wondered I guessed and I tried You just knew and I sighed And you swooned I saw the crescent You saw the whole of the moon The whole of the moon The whole of the moon

The torch in your pocket And the wind on your heels You climbed on the ladder And you know how it feels To get too high (too high) Too far (too far) Too soon (too soon) You saw the whole of the moon The whole of the moon

Unicorns and cannonballs Palaces and Piers Trumpets, towers, and tenaments Wide oceans full of tears Flags, rags, ferryboats Scimitars and scarves Every precious dream and vision Underneath the stars Yes, you climbed on the ladder With the wind in your sails You came like a comet Blazing your trail Too high (too high) Too far (too far) Too soon (too soon) You saw the whole of the moon

The whole of the moon Yeah, you saw the whole of the moon